chiaroscuro.

If you’ve been disheartened by recent events in certain denominations of the Church…

If your stomach churns over certain goings-on in the political sphere (often involving people who claim some affiliation with the Church)…

If you’re shocked, disgusted, and grieved when the proverbial seedy underbelly rolls its rot up towards the exposing light…

If you have had your voice and/or your choice taken away (or your discernment flares have fired off as you’ve watched it happen to someone else)…

This one’s for you. And this one’s for me.

(And actually, if your heart is tender enough to feel the weight of the Holy Spirit’s conviction in this area, this one’s for you, too.)

Over the past few years, I have struggled on and off with recurring instances of different variations of this same essential issue:

People using their position of power to control.

The most heartbreaking, gut wrenching, existential-crisis-causing part is how easy it is to start projecting the motives and actions and mistakes of people onto God, especially if the person in question claims to be representing God in some way.

My mind has hamster-wheeled through questions like:

"If I see (Christian) individuals and organizations prioritizing the desire for control and protecting their image over loving other people and considering what might be in their best interest, does that mean God could be similarly selfish and controlling?"

"If I’ve been told to just trust a (spiritual) leader when something doesn’t feel right and I don’t understand why they are doing something (and that person went on to indeed break my trust), how am I supposed to trust God when his ways are so far above my understanding (Isaiah 55:8-9)?" 

"If I’ve had the rug ripped out from under me by a person, who’s to say God won’t do that…laughing at me as I look up at him from the flat of my back?"

"If I’ve been blindsided by being berated by someone, might God also be quick to reprimand me for something I didn’t know I had done wrong?"

"If I’ve experienced gaslighting and been made to feel like I can’t trust my own perception, how do I discern what is right/when it is God’s voice I’m hearing?"

"If one gender seems to be elevated over the other in certain Christian circles, does it also mean that God values one gender over another?"

Am I the only one who's had thoughts like these?

Do you see how twisted and dangerous this is? How detrimental this could be to a person’s faith? (And how hard it is when one’s occupation is some sort of Christian ministry…so that shaky faith can threaten to shake out in questions of identity and calling…hence the existential crisis!)

WOOF.

If you’ve ever fallen into this rabbit hole and are having trouble climbing back out, my heart goes out to you (and my hand is extended out to you).

God gave me what felt like a breakthrough realization the other day, and I pray it could be an encouragement to you, too:

God often gives us metaphors...analogies...spiritual parallels to show us more of who he is and how he is at work in the world. That's an overarching theme of this blog...how God gives us glimpses of himself in so many things.

But here's the thing I feel like he spoke tenderly to me a few days ago: He also gives us contrast. 

Have you heard of chiaroscuro? It's a painting technique using bold contrasts between light and dark to make an image look more three-dimensional. If you're familiar with the work of Caravaggio, his paintings are a great example of this. 

What's my point? Jesus often gave similes and analogies, using comparison to show us more of his character (comparing himself to a shepherd, a hen gathering chicks under her wings (Matt. 23:37), a forgiving father (Luke 15), and the life-giving vine to our branches (John 15), just to name a few!). 

But he also using stark contrast to show us just how different he is than the "wolves," maybe especially those who masquerade in sheep's clothing (Matt. 7:15). I'm thinking also of the "unjust judge" from Luke 18 who eventually gave the persistent widow justice because she wore him out with her continual asking. Though it can be easy to think so at first, Jesus is not comparing himself to the judge; he's using contrast to show how unlike him he is. He holds both justice and mercy perfectly and delights in answering prayers, instead of needed to be worn down by our persistence before he will respond!

He also specifically called out those who would abuse positions of authority: 

“You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many (Matt. 20:25-28).”

There are cruel people who trample people under their feet. But Jesus washed feet (John 13).

So, what if Jesus is using the people who have hurt us the most to most sharply contrast their character with his? What if he's using their extreme lowlights to highlight his goodness... righteousness... integrity... kindness... gentleness... humility... trustworthiness?

The key is being able to tell the difference...between when God is speaking to us through comparison or contrast...so we don't conflate his character with human shortcomings.

You've heard the analogy of counterfeit money or forged artwork, right? That the only way you can tell what is fake is to painstakingly study and come to know every intricate detail of the real thing.

I want to know Jesus so well that I'm not phased by someone (mis)representing him. I want to be able to trust him fully even if other people have broken my trust. 

How do I do that? Well, I'm certainly still working on it. But realizing how very dissimilar (understatement) he is from the people who have inflicted harm is certainly a step in the right direction. Surrendering my ideas about or timeline for justice is part of it, too...instead of trying to fight another person's control issues with my own...insisting this turn out my way before I can call it "good."

It's also knowing that, unlike people trying to grasp at control (which I've been convicted of myself, lately, of how I tend to do that in my own life), God does not control us. He could. He has the power to. But he gave us free will. He didn't make us robots. He gave us the choice whether or not we would love him...choose him...listen and obey. He doesn't force us. So why do we try to force others to do our will...whether it's our children or our employees or our congregants?

I could go on. I have so many thoughts. Maybe more of them are better left for a future blog post. 

Sigh...I've got such a long way to go in figuring all this out and living all this out. 

But if you're with me on this journey, I just want to end with a few verses that have been on my heart lately that remind me that God "opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble (James 4:6, 1 Peter 5:5)."

Psalm 138:6

For though the LORD is high, he regards the lowly,

but the haughty he knows from afar.

---

Proverbs 3:34

  Toward the scorners he is scornful,

but to the humble he gives favor.

---

Proverbs 29:23

One’s pride will bring him low,

but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor.

---

Matthew 23:12

Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

---

Luke 1:52

he has brought down the mighty from their thrones

and exalted those of humble estate;

---

James 4:6

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

Proverbs 21:2-4 (NLT)

“People may be right in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their heart. The Lord is more pleased when we do what is right and just than when we offer him sacrifices. Haughty eyes, a proud heart, and evil actions are all sin.”

Proverbs‬ ‭16‬:‭1‬-‭5 (NLT)

“We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer. People may be pure in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their motives. Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed. The Lord has made everything for his own purposes, even the wicked for a day of disaster. The Lord detests the proud; they will surely be punished.”

Take heart. Stay humble. Cling to Jesus. Know he will "raise you up at the proper time" and you can "cast all your cares of him because he cares for you" (1 Peter 5:6-7).

You are loved.